Answering Alice

I've been told I should answer Alice’s questions instead of letting my paranoia… I won’t even comment on that. But if you knew what I know…

Anyhow, I’ll do my best, Alice. But remember, when you ask a question, it’s not like sniffing flowers.

Alice asked, “what’s going on, where am I?” We’ll come back to “what’s going on?” But first let’s look at “where am I?”

You’ve come to the right place for an answer to that. We cats know exactly where we are. How? Simple. We stand still.

I can hear you now: “Why didn’t I think of that?” Well, my guess is that you did. It just got lost among all the other things that were on your mind at the time.

Yes, Alice, If you’re standing still, that means you’re standing! So no sitting this one out. On your feet, girl! The Whisper way is to think one thing as though your legs are thinking it.

Here is a picture of two Alices who know where they are.  Thinking on their feet, so to speak.

As for, “what’s going on?” You’ll only know what’s going on when you know where you are. And we already know how to do that now, don't we?

Here is a picture of two Alices who know what’s going on.

And finally, a picture of an Alice who doesn’t know what’s going on. She’s trying to look around the corner. We don’t want to end up like that now, do we?

So next time you’re not sure where you are or what’s going on, just look at the pictures of the two Alices and ask yourself, “Which one am I?” And no cheating; you can only be one at a time.

Unless, of course, there really are... two of you…

Or more…

The Two Alices

The two Alices caught on CCTV using the Public Library computers.

Comments are being left here from so-called “Alices”. It was only a matter of time. Alien / Alias / Alice… Everything is falling into place.

It is believed that the Queen’s Speech was subtly codified with subliminal messages designed to disorientate the alien – or as we now know them – the “Alice” visitors.

One Alice commented (and I quote in full) “where am I now?” And previous to that, another asked, “what’s going on, where am I?” (See comments 26 May)

One even posted a picture of herself peering into the bathroom mirror as though trying to see straight through into the insides of our dear old computer. Ha! No such luck missy! You seem to have left the hot tap running and you’ve steamed up the glass.

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Alice, this is Jenny.  I have given Whisper a piece of her favourite Victoria sponge cake dipped in purple Vimto. She’s feeling a lot better now. I think she has been listening to too many Queen’s speeches.

Thank you for your pertinent questions.

Comments, questions, or “other-worldly” sponge cake recipes are always welcome.  (But remember we may have Whisper to answer to.)

– Jenny

Sky Car Encounter

An early photograph of a sighting of an extraterrestrial car.

The appearance of four-wheeled vehicles in our skies is not just a recent phenomenon. It seems to have been going on for some years.

Fortunately for us the vehicles are easily identifiable, continuing to be of a type that would not be allowed anywhere near today’s busy highways and airport car parks.

According to the elderly witness, a sudden change in weather forced the vehicle to land. No intelligible words were exchanged but as a parting gift, the driver gave the man his spare pair of driving goggles.

The occupants waved happily as the swaying vehicle began its ascent and when it had attained sufficient height the ladies held onto their hats and amid clouds of pungent smoke, flashes and explosions from the rear, the car was gone.

Although in shock and still wearing his newly acquired goggles, the elderly man was able to give such a lucid account of his encounter that the report was serialised in the parish newsletter.

It is said that a few days later the witness was visited by two strangers to the village and subsequently never spoke another word about the event.

For the photographer, it turned out to be a very lucrative assignment. But the question remains: Who tipped him off? And why?

My oh my, how things have changed!

Alien Car In Custody

The Extraterrestrial Car in the Custody of the Queen’s Astrologers.

Queen's Speech Shock

Intruder being ejected from the procession to the Great Sphinx following the Queen’s Speech.

Yesterday, while we were absorbed in examining the picture entitled “The Chariot of the Stars”, uncannily and at that very moment occurred what we all have come to believe to be “The Queen’s Speech”.

Now it is well known that the Queen has a great fondness for cats and that they in return have a great fondness for her, so it came as a cause of celebration among the world’s cats to learn that we no longer will be required to carry identity cards, papers or embarrassing pictures of ourselves.

This was made all the more poignant by the fact that this historic announcement was virtually drowned out by noisy trumpets and the sudden onslaught of the clearing of throats. It was enough to make one weep.

Because the Queen only speaks once a year and has to read slowly from notes written for her by the Royal Society of Astrologers and Fortune-tellers, the least the fidgety audience could have done was cover their faces with their handkerchiefs to conceal their blank looks and strangely staring eyes.

Had the huge audience in the Speech Cathedral been infiltrated by “visitors”? If so, then what have they got against cats? They must have been smugly pleased to hear not a word said about their all-too-public presence on this planet.

The discovery of yet another of the “visitors” afterwards at the Sphinx Ceremony only reaffirms the increasingly widespread belief that they may already be semi-happily at home in our midst.

At least the long-awaited right of cats to stray without being interrogated by any old busybody that happens by is something to be mightily grateful for.

The arrested entity was later found to be carrying the keys to an unidentifiable car believed to be of extra-terrestrial origin. The vehicle is now in the custody of the Queen’s Astrologers and an announcement of interest to all is expected.

The Chariots of the Stars may be amongst us and they might not be what we expected.

The Queen will no doubt comment upon this next year.

Chariot of the Stars?

After seeing my dream picture yesterday and still being unable to shake off the strange atmosphere that accompanied both the dream and the waking, I asked Jenny to help me select one of her pictures.  I call these Jenny’s Magic Photographs. Jenny calls them something else.

We mixed and moved all the picture cards face down until we ended up with just one: THE CHARIOT.

This curious two-wheeled vehicle has some surprising secrets up its sleeve. Firstly, don’t be fooled by the stars on the lovely curtains; this is no Chariot of the Stars. These and the star on the driver’s hat simply mean that he is the proud owner of the latest satellite navigation system. The flying sun logo probably means the Chariot is solar powered.  This is a short-range leisure vehicle if ever there was one.

He has evidently just found a parking space close to the Thames, which can be seen flowing by in the background. However, the Westminster parking wardens are known to wield a pen mightier than the sword, so the two Sphinxes keep a sharp eye out for them.

The Sphinx on the right is the Great Thames Sphinx, apparently wheeled there from Egypt at the same time as the Thames itself was built.  The Sphinx on the left is an Egyptian cousin who has been keeping a low profile in London lately. However, something in the distance has caught their attention.

Has the vehicle just been spotted by a group of Trainee Police Officers who were on their way to the Thames for their lunchtime swim?

The driver certainly appears to be searching his memory for a punchy one-liner in case he is caught off guard by a trick question.

As you can see, there is more to this picture than at first meets the eye and I’m sure we’ll be returning to it at a future date. But the way this card has turned up at just this moment, remains an extraordinary coincidence.

Whisper's Amazing Dream Picture

It’s me, Whisper. I’m back. Although I never really went away. At least not far.

I was sometimes under the big chair or out in the garden where Jenny doesn’t cut the grass. And, yes, it was me who was drinking the water and not the aliens! Thank you Jenny.

Two nights ago I had the most extraordinary dream. Jenny has helped me put together a picture of it, which you see here.

But first, I must mention Jenny’s contribution while I was “away”. I am amazed by her startling findings and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Anyhow, back to the dream…

I can’t explain exactly what it all means but I can see how it’s tied in to recent events. It’s just like being there all over again.

I woke up feeling afraid and yet that must be me there in the dream, standing firm and looking danger right in the eyes. I certainly don’t have a long white beard, but who else could it be?

And who is it that is overseeing the confrontation? That definitely could be me. And what about the other one? Unlikely, but another me?

Anyhow Jenny, you’ve given me a lot to think about, and now I have this rather unsettling dream picture.

Things are starting to connect at last.

But strange how I’m still not sure which one is me. Am I remembering or am I still in the dream?

And in case anyone thought of asking after all that: Yes, of course cats dream.